Sports shock and surprise us, but what if we knew what was going to happen before it ever happened?
Don’t worry, world-wide-web, I will reveal my secrets.
Here are my legendary predictions for the 2017 NFL season:
1) Brock Osweiler, he was spurned. Brock Osweiler, he was shipped to and fro. With his new/old team, the Denver Broncos, he will get his groove back. After starting QB Trevor Siemian suffers either a bad start or heinous knee injury, Osweiler will competently fill in. He will be aided by better skill players than he had in Houston or Cleveland. Just like his last tenure in Denver, the Broncos’ defense won’t ask too much of Osweiler, as they win their way back into the playoffs. Demaryius Thomas eliminates his problem with drops and scores double digit touchdowns, which aids in Osweiler’s success.
2) One of the three prominent players who have been accused of domestic violence (Zeke, Tyreek and Joe Mixon) will be arrested this year. Not necessarily for a violent crime, but Skip Bayless will still speak of disgrace.
3) That being said, Zeke will get his suspension reduced by at least half, bringing his absence to three games. Still, this punishment will haunt him, as he will lose the rushing title by 10 yards to Le’veon Bell.
4) The Pittsburgh Steelers will make it to the Super Bowl, after making a 4th Quarter comeback in their AFC Championship game versus the New England Patriots, sparked by rookie TJ Watt’s “motor.” The Steelers will have an historic offense this year, with three players scoring ten touchdowns each: Le’Veon Bell, Antonio Brown and Martavis Bryant. Ben Roethlisberger will post his highest touchdown total for a season in his career.
5) That being said, Brandin Cooks of the New England Patriots will have the most touchdowns of any player this season. Sportstradamus agrees with his prediction-brethren Rob Gronkowski, who said that Cooks will score 20 touchdowns this season. The Patriots, despite their loss of Edelman, will go undefeated this year, until the Steelers out-scrap them in the playoffs.
The mri shows Julian edelman tore ACL he is officially out for 2017 nfl season for new England pats. Brandin cooks has to step up now. pic.twitter.com/GCSDd71lja
— HowBoutThemCowboys (@CowboyXFactor) August 26, 2017
6) Blair Walsh will win Comeback Player of the Year, after being the second-best kicker in the game. He will only miss two field goals this year, both of which will be attempts of over 55 yards. Justin Tucker will be the best kicker in the game; however, he will not miss any field goal or extra point attempts, as he retains his status as the Baltimore Ravens’ best player.
7) The Seattle Seahawks will win the Super Bowl, led by their now-fearsome defensive front-seven. Eddie Lacy will still run putridly, boasting a meager 2.7 YPC average. However, at the end of the regular season, he will score four “walk-off” rushing touchdowns that will vault the struggling Seahawks into the playoffs, where they will start an unlikely run to the Super Bowl. During The Big Game, the Steelers will commit a record number of penalties, and they will miss three two-point conversions. Both of these problems will allow the Seahawks to hang onto a 9-point lead through the second half, securing a second Seahawks championship. That night, Russell Wilson will impregnate Ciara with quadruplets, and Richard Sherman will be traded to the Browns. With Sherman’s help, as well as a booty of draft picks, the Browns will win a division in the next three years.
8) That being said, the Browns will win four games this year, and their defense will perform in the top 15. DeShone Kizer will be more polished than expected, but he will ultimately get injured because no receivers will ever be open. Josh Gordon will not be reinstated by the league during his next attempt in September, which will continue to be bullshit. However, he will find a silver lining as he becomes a Rastafarian, southern-style, motivational speaker. Gordon will finally be able to live extremely inspiring, lovably sincere and incredibly high.
9) Deshaun Watson will win the starting QB job for the Houston Texans within the first four weeks of the season. He will lead them to a Wild Card playoff spot, after narrowly losing the division to the Tennessee Titans. Due to these heroics, Watson will win Offensive Rookie of the Year.
10) Julius Thomas becomes a fantasy football darling from weeks 4-10, after enjoying an unlikely chemistry with new Miami Dolphins QB Jay Cutler. Then, as usual, Thomas will injure himself, get traded next season, and suffer in yet another, new offensive scheme.
11) The Arizona Cardinals defense will suffer many injuries, as the team will continue to regress this year. David Johnson, however, will have the most all-purpose yards in 2017. They fail to make the playoffs again this year.
12) The Los Angeles Chargers will be the Cinderella story of the year. They will enjoy double-digit wins for the first time since 2009. You are probably expecting I will predict that Keenan Allen will get injured right now, at the time that you are reading this, since he is so terribly brittle. But, Sportstrodamus thinks he’s in for a shocking year of HGH-suspected, impossibly-good health. Also, Melvin Gordon will score 15 touchdowns, while Joey Bosa will have 15 sacks. Still, Philip Rivers will explode in anger six games per season, as they ultimately will miss the playoffs in the ultra-competitive AFC West.
13) The Atlanta Falcons still have a top offense, led by Julio Jones and their speedy duo of running backs in Devonta Freeman and Tevin Coleman. They make the playoffs but lose their first postseason game against the Dallas Cowboys, as new offensive coordinator Steve Sarkisian dies of alcohol poisoning the night before the game. The NFL contemplates postponing the game given the recent, salacious death of one of its featured coaches, but Jerry Jones convinces Roger Gooddell the show must go on.
14) Speaking of the Dallas Cowboys, defensive coordinators will clamp down on Dak Prescott, and the second-year QB will struggle at first. But when Zeke returns in week 4, the offense will start to roll once again. Dez Bryant will continue to keep shouting.
15) After posting a 5,000 yard season, Kirk Cousins will get a tattoo of himself holding a Bible in the one hand, and a record-breaking contract in the other. The tattoo will be on his neck, underneath which will be commandment-esque script that reads, “YOU LIKE THAT?!” Washington Redskins receiver Terrell Pryor will score double digit TD’s this year. Tight end Jordan Reed will have 1,000 yards of receiving.
16) The Jets don’t win a game this year. Despite my abundant prescience and all-knowing nature, I have to ask, who plays for this team again?
17) The Rams lose their first 9 games, after which the team ties up their young head coach Sean McVay and tickles him until he says, “Uncle.” Inspired by what he misperceives as brotherly comradery, McVay finally acts the part of head coach and the Rams finish the year on an 8-game losing streak. They narrowly miss the playoffs after a 3-2 loss to the Seahawks on the last game of the season. On the plane ride home, McVay is fired after which he says, “I’m taking my toys home, I never liked you guys ANYWAY,” which is awkward because there will still be, like, five minutes left in the flight.
18) Rookie QB Mitch Trubisky will seize the starting job from Mike Glennon by the end of the year. Somewhat typically, however, Trubisky’s preseason excellence will reveal itself to be merely a mirage, as he will still suck as badly as we all thought on Draft Night. New 49ers GM John Lynch will be interviewed for the 500th think-piece written on his shrewd first draft with the team.
19) That being said, the 49ers will shock the world by winning six games. Kyle Shanahan’s offense is brilliant enough that even Brian Hoyer will flourish. And linebacker Reuben Foster will win Defensive Rookie of the Year.
20) By the end of October, Rex Ryan gets fired from his job as a broadcaster for finally saying “fuck” on live television. Also, Tony Romo gets Nancy Kerrigan’d by a masked man wearing a plastic jumpsuit, which is designed to resemble the torso of Conor McGregor – tattoos and all. The armed assailant is rumored to have been hired by Phil Simms, whose job Romo had taken to start the season. In response, Phil Simms will reply, “I never would have hurt Heeeeem,” which will ultimately convince the court as no one on the jury will understand who the hell “Heeeem” is. The real twist comes at the end of the trial, when it is finally revealed that the assailant was Conor McGregor himself, dressed in a plastic jumpsuit, which was designed to look like him. Obviously, this will be quite the story, as the ruse will be chronicled for a 30-episode mini-series within the 30th season of 30 for 30. This will appear on ESPN30 in 2030, and again in a brain implant during the 30th month of 3030 – because in 1,000 years we will understand our calendar a lot better.
finally the start of the NFL season is less than 24 hrs pic.twitter.com/biLvS3AzW1
— Mikey Rice (@mikeyrice1) September 7, 2017
21) It will be revealed that, together, Bill Belichick and Tom Brady regularly have orgies together, along with their wives. Text messages show their reasoning as it helps them stay connected during a long time apart. Julian Edelman, suddenly with a lot of time on his hands, is still waiting for his invite.
22) Jameis Winston will throw for 45 touchdowns and 45 interceptions. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers will end with an 8-8 record, narrowly missing the playoffs yet again. Fans will be overwhelmed, completely bored, titillated and ashamed – all at the same time. Winston is two years away from being an MVP. Desean Jackson will average 18 YPC, and Mike Evans will have 15 touchdowns.
23) The Giants will regress and miss the playoffs, despite a defensive unit that is in the top 10 for scoring and yards allowed per game. The mixture of a terrible running game and nagging injuries will plague both Odell Beckham, Jr. and Brandon Marshall, which spells disaster. Despite taking a career-high number of sacks, Eli Manning will talk about playing until he is 55 years old. His wife will later report that this was also the year she could hear Eli grumble in his sleep, “Yeah, I’ll play until I’m 55, I’ll play until Peyton is DEAD!”
24) The following teams will be pretty average and sometimes they will lead you to believe they are something, but they will ultimately not make the playoffs: Detroit Lions, Philadelphia Eagles, Minnesota Vikings, New Orleans Saints, Cincinnati Bengals, Indianapolis Colts.
25) Cam Newton enjoys a renaissance season, as the team will revert to some of the option-read schemes he enjoyed at the beginning of his career. With the help of speedy rookie RB Christian McCaffrey, Newton will have an excellent safety valve for screens and dumpoffs. Nevertheless, still feeling the loss of Josh Norman, the Panther’s D just won’t be able to ice those close victories, like they did two seasons ago. They, along with the Saints, will narrowly miss a Wild Card spot in the playoffs. On this last, bitter game of the regular season, Cam Newton will wear his wackiest hat and look his most impatient. Kelvin Benjamin will return to his rookie dominance as a red zone threat, though his added weight will result in a season-restricting injury.
26) After losing ten games due to chronic concussion symptoms suffered by starting QB Tyrod Taylor, the Buffalo Bills will sign controversial free agent Colin Kaepernick to lead the offense. Buffalo’s hardnosed, industrial community will immediately reject the football player-turned-protester-turned-blackballed-football-player-turned-football-player. Boos will cascade as his name is announced in the starting lineup. Middle-aged white people will literally spit blood upon the field. Buffalo’s ownership will also suffer an inordinate amount of threats and violence to their homes, as the local fans froth with patriotic anger. Entire families will join in the intimidating action, including grandmothers, pets and pickup trucks. All of this blue-collar catharsis will come to a stunning halt when Kaepernick is involved in an awkward collision with Cincinnati Bengals LB Vontaze Burfict, which will leave Kaepernick lying motionless on the Buffalo Bill’s home turf. You’ll be able to hear a pin drop during that game. The ambulance will come onto the field, and Kaepernick will be solemnly loaded onto the cart, his neck secured between plastic restraints. Then, with the silence now palpable, the security guards will start slowly clapping. And the clapping will gain steam, rising as a crescendo of volume and guilt. Fans will cry out, “Aren’t we all Americans?!” Lots of guilty, White Tears. For the next season, in accordance with an initiative led by Roger Goodell himself, every NFL player will kneel for the anthem, in honor of Colin Kaepernick, who will be paralyzed. And that’s all it will have took for Kaepernick to not be a villain and finally become the American hero many see him to be.
27) What will make matters worse is Burfict will have a press conference weeks earlier, as he was returning from his suspension, where he pledges his undying commitment to player safety, and he will seek clemency from the public. Despite this hit being a total accident, Burfict will be known for the rest of his life as the guy who paralyzed Colin Kaepernick, effectively ending a brutal cultural conflict. He will be the subject of many vitriolic memes, as he will be widely-derided by the liberal, Internet commentariat. And yet, for his unintentional service “to the cause,” he will also reluctantly enjoy a fringe-following by White Nationalists and various flag-based militias spread throughout Wyoming and rural Idaho.
28) The Jacksonville Jaguars are going to surprise some people, led by a ball-control offense, featuring rookie RB Leonard Fournette. Their defense will be in the top-7 in scoring, despite another high interception total from Blake Bortles. They will miss the playoffs by only winning 6 games, including a season-sweep of the Indianapolis Colts. Although, the Jaguars will be competitive in four of their losses, their season will ultimately be blamed on Bortles’ lack of accuracy.
29) The Kansas City Chiefs and the Oakland Raiders will again provide excitement in the regular season standings. Ultimately, the Raiders will join the San Diego Chargers in missing the playoffs, by losing to the Chargers in the final game of the season. This will notch San Diego’s 10th win, but due to a freaky tie-breaker situation with Kansas City, who will have swept them in 2017, San Diego will be kept out of the playoffs. Kansas City will lose in the first round of the playoffs as Andy Reid will asks QB Alex Smith to spike the ball on every first down in the fourth quarter.
30) Marcus Mariota will compete with Tom Brady for this year’s MVP. He will lead the Tennessee Titans to 13 regular season wins with his 3,000 yard passing and 1,000 yard rushing season. Eric Decker will be injured in weeks 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, and 12, but he will score a touchdown in every game in which he appears. Delanie Walker will have 1,000 yards receiving, but just 5 touchdowns, making him an aggravatingly-consistent fantasy option. This will be a sneakily-potent offense with DeMarco Murray rushing and WR Rishard Matthews on the outside.
31) The Green Bay Packers will make the playoffs with 11 wins this year. Ty Montgomery will get injured in week 6, after an early season of over-usage. He will return to finish the last month of the season, where he will be a crucial speed option that keeps opposing defenses guessing. Aaron Rodgers will enjoy a full season with the slowed, but still crafty, Jordy Nelson. The aging wide receiver will produce reliable, Anquan Boldin-esque numbers by catching just 8 touchdowns for 1,200 yards. Rising young WR Devontae Adams will be the top receiver for the team with 1,500 yards and 12 touchdowns. Aaron Rodgers will also be in the mix for the 2017 MVP race due to his league-low 6 interceptions, which will account for just 3% of his passes. He will throw a successful Hail Mary pass every time he plays Detroit.
32) Finally, Sportrodamus predicts that Tom Brady will win the 2017 MVP, after throwing 50 TD’s during the regular season. Despite the loss of Julian Edelman, Brady will create vertical fireworks with ascending WR Brandin Cooks and young WR Chris Hogan. Throughout the rest of America, outside of New England, we will begrudgingly agree that Tom Brady is ageless. This will complicate backup QB Jimmy Garoppolo’s contract situation. Believing Brady is indestructible, the Patriots will trade Garoppolo to the Browns for a 1st round pick, where they will again draft their QB of the future. Despite Belichick’s hubris here, Brady will get injured next year. Thinking he is shrewdly seeing the writing on the wall for the 2018 season, Belichick will be forced to trade his beloved, orgy-tested son to the Los Angeles Rams for a Montana-esque final, pathetic hurrah. By the end of the 2018 season, Tom Brady will retire a Ram and immediately go into broadcasting the next week.
Welcome back NFL!
